Caddie Responses
# 10
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Monday, May 22, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Day of Purpose
Today, we’re starting a little game of “Who Said It?”
Here’s the first quote.
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Here’s the first quote.
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Day of Purpose
Got a complaint today that one of you was missing the Day of Purpose. It’s nice to be missed.
Today, we explore the economics of the golf trip so that we can all feel good about doing our part to keep the country’s finances in good shape. Here’s a list of some things I know people will be contributing to the economy as a result of the trip.
Lachman
trying to buy a game in the shape of new Mizuno irons $700
Rojas
therapist bills to heal from trauma of hearing me
whine about the trip in his office every day $2,000
Chitty
trip to Bandon Dunes the weekend after the
Palm Springs trip to make sure the
scores he posted in the desert are legit $2,000
Hernandez
new irons after demo-ing Little's Armour 845's 500
using free clubs from Brian (which forces Brian to
buy new ones (see below) 600
Sandoval
Steaks and fixin's for 12 (Friday night dinner) 175
Unlimited bikini wax buffet at Marriott Desert Springs 550
Tips for Octavio, his waxer 250
Heddon
Extra sticky club grips 140
Titanium pins to keep his shoulder from separating
when he helicopters clubs down the fairway 2,500
Deboe
postage for letters he mails to the USGA whining
about the unfairness of their handicapping sytem 300
Money he'll pay to Rojas for losing the "Loser pays
for Shadow Ridge" round 55
Bredow
Industrial strength sunscreen 145
Loomis
muscle relaxers to help him slow down his
pace of play on the course 100
Barbieri
guilt offerings to his church for being involved in a trip
where the leader has twisted the "Days of Purpose"
concept to secular use 1,000
Me
5 dozen DT SoLo's that I'll never use to go with
the 1500 balls I have in the garage already 100
Valium to deal with stress involved in trip planning 50
Postcards I send to Angelo trying to get
him to come back next year 25
White
4 day supply of drumsticks 75
new driver for Thursday am round 400
new driver for Thursday pm round 400
new driver for Sunday am round (TaylorMade R7 TP) 800
Poker debt he'll owe me for after the trip 100
GRAND TOTAL $12,965
Today, we explore the economics of the golf trip so that we can all feel good about doing our part to keep the country’s finances in good shape. Here’s a list of some things I know people will be contributing to the economy as a result of the trip.
Lachman
trying to buy a game in the shape of new Mizuno irons $700
Rojas
therapist bills to heal from trauma of hearing me
whine about the trip in his office every day $2,000
Chitty
trip to Bandon Dunes the weekend after the
Palm Springs trip to make sure the
scores he posted in the desert are legit $2,000
Hernandez
new irons after demo-ing Little's Armour 845's 500
using free clubs from Brian (which forces Brian to
buy new ones (see below) 600
Sandoval
Steaks and fixin's for 12 (Friday night dinner) 175
Unlimited bikini wax buffet at Marriott Desert Springs 550
Tips for Octavio, his waxer 250
Heddon
Extra sticky club grips 140
Titanium pins to keep his shoulder from separating
when he helicopters clubs down the fairway 2,500
Deboe
postage for letters he mails to the USGA whining
about the unfairness of their handicapping sytem 300
Money he'll pay to Rojas for losing the "Loser pays
for Shadow Ridge" round 55
Bredow
Industrial strength sunscreen 145
Loomis
muscle relaxers to help him slow down his
pace of play on the course 100
Barbieri
guilt offerings to his church for being involved in a trip
where the leader has twisted the "Days of Purpose"
concept to secular use 1,000
Me
5 dozen DT SoLo's that I'll never use to go with
the 1500 balls I have in the garage already 100
Valium to deal with stress involved in trip planning 50
Postcards I send to Angelo trying to get
him to come back next year 25
White
4 day supply of drumsticks 75
new driver for Thursday am round 400
new driver for Thursday pm round 400
new driver for Sunday am round (TaylorMade R7 TP) 800
Poker debt he'll owe me for after the trip 100
GRAND TOTAL $12,965
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Day of Purpose
Here’s another e-mail that’s not really related to golf, except that it will allow us to go on the trip for free for the rest of our lives. You guys are really lucky you’re in on the 2006 trip, because I’m not extending this offer to any of my other friends.
Apparently, I’m the unnamed beneficiary in the will of a guy who died in South Africa in a car wreck. I’ll be receiving $168,559,000.00 shortly, but since I’m a generous guy, I want to share the wealth. I know you think this is too good to be true, but I’ve called this guy and he seems really nice. Said he was a Christian and everything. His grammar is pretty bad though.
Anyway, I’d like to use Lachman’s bank account to hold the money, as a kind of gesture to him since he’s frustrated with the e-mails. He can keep the interest. So Carl, when you have a chance, please get me your bank name, address, routing number, and account number. Also throw your PIN in for good measure, along with your mom’s maiden name. I’ll pass the info along to Doctor McCabe.
As soon as I get the info from Lachman and the wire from Dr. McCabe, I’ll get you guys checks for your shares. Watch for them in your mail. The amount will be $14,046,181.33. That’s a 1/12 share of the disbursement, minus $402, which is the cost of this year’s trip. So don’t worry about paying for the trip this year; Dr. McCabe is covering it. I invited him on our 2007 trip by the way.
Dave
FROM: Dr. Ephrem McCabe,
AUDITOR GENERAL
First National Bank 6th floor,
1 First Place Cnr
Simmonds & Pritchard Street,
Johannesburg, Gauteng South Africa.
Attn:
RE:TRANSFER OF USD168,559,000.00 MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business. Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest medium of communication.
However, this correspondence is private, and it should be treated in strict confidence.
My name is Dr. Ephrem McCabe, and I will firstly like to assure you that this transaction is 100% risk and trouble free to both parties. In order to transfer out USD168,559,000.00{ One hundred and sixty eight million five hundred and fifty nine thousand U.S dollar Only } from our bank here in South Africa. The fund for transfer is from clean origin. The owner of the fund is a foreigner, a program leader who was believed to acquire the fund through his secret Crude Oil deal with the Former IRAQI government.
The deceased died with all the members of his family in an auto-accident in June 23, 1999 without a WILL. The amount involved is USD168,559,000.00 I want to transfer this money into your account as the foreign beneficiary of the funds.
I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise as we don't know ourselves before,
BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE BUSINESS. I CONTACT YOU BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL NOT LET ME DOWN ONCE THE FUND GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I WILL LIKE YOU TO CALL ME ON MY PRIVATE NUMBER FOR IMMEDIATE DISCUSSION.
Let me hear from you,
Thanks & Best regards,
Dr. Ephrem McCabe.
EMAIL:
Tel: 874/ - 763/ - 648/ - 313
Fax: 874/ - 763/ - 648/ - 314
Apparently, I’m the unnamed beneficiary in the will of a guy who died in South Africa in a car wreck. I’ll be receiving $168,559,000.00 shortly, but since I’m a generous guy, I want to share the wealth. I know you think this is too good to be true, but I’ve called this guy and he seems really nice. Said he was a Christian and everything. His grammar is pretty bad though.
Anyway, I’d like to use Lachman’s bank account to hold the money, as a kind of gesture to him since he’s frustrated with the e-mails. He can keep the interest. So Carl, when you have a chance, please get me your bank name, address, routing number, and account number. Also throw your PIN in for good measure, along with your mom’s maiden name. I’ll pass the info along to Doctor McCabe.
As soon as I get the info from Lachman and the wire from Dr. McCabe, I’ll get you guys checks for your shares. Watch for them in your mail. The amount will be $14,046,181.33. That’s a 1/12 share of the disbursement, minus $402, which is the cost of this year’s trip. So don’t worry about paying for the trip this year; Dr. McCabe is covering it. I invited him on our 2007 trip by the way.
Dave
FROM: Dr. Ephrem McCabe,
AUDITOR GENERAL
First National Bank 6th floor,
1 First Place Cnr
Simmonds & Pritchard Street,
Johannesburg, Gauteng South Africa.
Attn:
RE:TRANSFER OF USD168,559,000.00 MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business. Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest medium of communication.
However, this correspondence is private, and it should be treated in strict confidence.
My name is Dr. Ephrem McCabe, and I will firstly like to assure you that this transaction is 100% risk and trouble free to both parties. In order to transfer out USD168,559,000.00{ One hundred and sixty eight million five hundred and fifty nine thousand U.S dollar Only } from our bank here in South Africa. The fund for transfer is from clean origin. The owner of the fund is a foreigner, a program leader who was believed to acquire the fund through his secret Crude Oil deal with the Former IRAQI government.
The deceased died with all the members of his family in an auto-accident in June 23, 1999 without a WILL. The amount involved is USD168,559,000.00 I want to transfer this money into your account as the foreign beneficiary of the funds.
I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise as we don't know ourselves before,
BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE BUSINESS. I CONTACT YOU BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL NOT LET ME DOWN ONCE THE FUND GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I WILL LIKE YOU TO CALL ME ON MY PRIVATE NUMBER FOR IMMEDIATE DISCUSSION.
Let me hear from you,
Thanks & Best regards,
Dr. Ephrem McCabe.
EMAIL:
Tel: 874/ - 763/ - 648/ - 313
Fax: 874/ - 763/ - 648/ - 314
Day of Purpose
This is kind of a loose connection to the golf trip, but Scott and I were talking about this guy this morning. Read to the end to find the connection.
The point is that this is the way life should be lived and sports should be played. It rings true to me, since I’m the only person I know who was stupid enough to leave himself in a baseball game when he was hurting and then break his arm throwing a pitch. The really stupid thing is that I did it twice. What’s the definition of insanity again?
Harold Patrick Reiser was born in 1919 in St. Louis, and by 1941 had become the National League's batting champ with the Brooklyn Dodgers. He's not in the Hall of Fame, but at least one of our country's most prominent sportswriters, W.C. Heinz, says Pete is his “all time guy,” a man who is “what professionalism is all about.” Heinz said, “A professional is someone who makes every play. There's no compromise.” For Reiser, there was no compromise. Carried off the field on a stretcher at least 11 times, given his last rites at least once while playing, concussions, dislocated shoulders, torn muscles, bruises, and scars were all a part of the Pistol's game. He ran a 9.8 second 100-yard dash, he sprinted down the first base line no matter what he hit, he flew into second base blocking out double plays, no matter what big lug was there, he was among the very best in his league in stolen bases, he dove for balls in the outfield, and he crashed into those outfield walls more times than anyone has dared count. As Pete might say, "I'm gonna catch that ball no matter what."
. . . he died in 1981 in Palm Springs, California.
Scott and I will find his grave on the golf trip and put our college spikes on it as a token of our appreciation for guys like this. You can join us if you’d like to.
The point is that this is the way life should be lived and sports should be played. It rings true to me, since I’m the only person I know who was stupid enough to leave himself in a baseball game when he was hurting and then break his arm throwing a pitch. The really stupid thing is that I did it twice. What’s the definition of insanity again?
Harold Patrick Reiser was born in 1919 in St. Louis, and by 1941 had become the National League's batting champ with the Brooklyn Dodgers. He's not in the Hall of Fame, but at least one of our country's most prominent sportswriters, W.C. Heinz, says Pete is his “all time guy,” a man who is “what professionalism is all about.” Heinz said, “A professional is someone who makes every play. There's no compromise.” For Reiser, there was no compromise. Carried off the field on a stretcher at least 11 times, given his last rites at least once while playing, concussions, dislocated shoulders, torn muscles, bruises, and scars were all a part of the Pistol's game. He ran a 9.8 second 100-yard dash, he sprinted down the first base line no matter what he hit, he flew into second base blocking out double plays, no matter what big lug was there, he was among the very best in his league in stolen bases, he dove for balls in the outfield, and he crashed into those outfield walls more times than anyone has dared count. As Pete might say, "I'm gonna catch that ball no matter what."
. . . he died in 1981 in Palm Springs, California.
Scott and I will find his grave on the golf trip and put our college spikes on it as a token of our appreciation for guys like this. You can join us if you’d like to.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Day of Purpose #12
Today, in honor of Bono’s 46th birthday, stop and think for a moment about what a dark place the world would be if U2 never existed. Also, read this narrative about the upcoming trip and see how many titles of U2 songs you can pick out.
Some Days are Better than Others, and this year, May 31 will be one of those days. That evening, we will not Stay in our own houses, but will head away from the Ocean like The Wanderer and spend the night In God’s Country. It’ll be A Sort of Homecoming when we Exit the real world and get to the land of Fire in the Heartland of golf in America.
We’ll see at least Three Sunrises while we’re there, but the first One will be the toughest, when I’ll have to keep yelling Wake Up Dead Man to get Deboe away from his teddy bear and his bed. We’ll Rejoice once he’s up, and With a Shout, we’ll head to the Dunes course La Quinta for the first round. I Will Follow Brian’s van. Just don’t go for the pin on 17 if it’s in the Red Light position on the left side of the green by the Endless Deep, or you’ll come in with a Bad score since the ball will be Gone.
Thursday afternoon will be the highlight of the trip: the Mountain Course in the evening. For those of you there for The First Time like Strangers in a Strange Land, The Sweetest Thing will be the back nine in the Twilight. We’ll be in amongst the Shadows and Tall Trees, although I’m sure some of us will wonder at that point, Where Did It All Go Wrong. But there’s always Tomorrow.
Friday will be a great day. I’m already saying Hallelujah since we’re playing Shadow Ridge, and Scott might pay, unless he beats Deboe for all the Silver and Gold. By this day, Bredow will be Numb from Staring at the Sun and getting turned Scarlet by the Ultraviolet rays. Sandoval will be as dark as MLK. When I tell Brian after the round that I repeated my best round ever and shot 74 again, he’ll put his head down and ask, “Is That All? I played like The Fool, and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For at the top of my backswing. My Pride got the best of me when I accepted the $100 Nassau. I was Out of Control on number 17 and, trying to stay out of the water on the right, I pulled a Lemon into the room of the blond Party Girl we saw last year.”
Saturday we go Helter Skelter all over the desert from Indian Springs to Desert Willow. At Willow, on the One Tree Hill by the 18th green, we’ll revisit the site of the Surrender by Deboe and Angelo to Sandoval and Hernandez. See my earlier e-mail for a full recap.
Then, unfortunately, we’ll hit the last day of the trip. Last year, it was Sunday, Bloody Sunday at Desert Falls, but we have no Desire to see that course again. So Sandoval, If You Wear That Velvet Dress tied up in a knot again and start Dancing Barefoot like a Mexican Acrobat, it’s only because you want to. The same marshal won’t be working at Shadow Hills this year. After the round, we’ll reminisce about the Mysterious Ways of the Palm Springs Golf Trip and the great time we had in 2006. Don’t worry though, it’ll seem like only Seconds until June of 2007 will be here.
Some Days are Better than Others, and this year, May 31 will be one of those days. That evening, we will not Stay in our own houses, but will head away from the Ocean like The Wanderer and spend the night In God’s Country. It’ll be A Sort of Homecoming when we Exit the real world and get to the land of Fire in the Heartland of golf in America.
We’ll see at least Three Sunrises while we’re there, but the first One will be the toughest, when I’ll have to keep yelling Wake Up Dead Man to get Deboe away from his teddy bear and his bed. We’ll Rejoice once he’s up, and With a Shout, we’ll head to the Dunes course La Quinta for the first round. I Will Follow Brian’s van. Just don’t go for the pin on 17 if it’s in the Red Light position on the left side of the green by the Endless Deep, or you’ll come in with a Bad score since the ball will be Gone.
Thursday afternoon will be the highlight of the trip: the Mountain Course in the evening. For those of you there for The First Time like Strangers in a Strange Land, The Sweetest Thing will be the back nine in the Twilight. We’ll be in amongst the Shadows and Tall Trees, although I’m sure some of us will wonder at that point, Where Did It All Go Wrong. But there’s always Tomorrow.
Friday will be a great day. I’m already saying Hallelujah since we’re playing Shadow Ridge, and Scott might pay, unless he beats Deboe for all the Silver and Gold. By this day, Bredow will be Numb from Staring at the Sun and getting turned Scarlet by the Ultraviolet rays. Sandoval will be as dark as MLK. When I tell Brian after the round that I repeated my best round ever and shot 74 again, he’ll put his head down and ask, “Is That All? I played like The Fool, and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For at the top of my backswing. My Pride got the best of me when I accepted the $100 Nassau. I was Out of Control on number 17 and, trying to stay out of the water on the right, I pulled a Lemon into the room of the blond Party Girl we saw last year.”
Saturday we go Helter Skelter all over the desert from Indian Springs to Desert Willow. At Willow, on the One Tree Hill by the 18th green, we’ll revisit the site of the Surrender by Deboe and Angelo to Sandoval and Hernandez. See my earlier e-mail for a full recap.
Then, unfortunately, we’ll hit the last day of the trip. Last year, it was Sunday, Bloody Sunday at Desert Falls, but we have no Desire to see that course again. So Sandoval, If You Wear That Velvet Dress tied up in a knot again and start Dancing Barefoot like a Mexican Acrobat, it’s only because you want to. The same marshal won’t be working at Shadow Hills this year. After the round, we’ll reminisce about the Mysterious Ways of the Palm Springs Golf Trip and the great time we had in 2006. Don’t worry though, it’ll seem like only Seconds until June of 2007 will be here.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Day of Purpose #11
This is late today, but the news is great. First, a little more Scripture for you:
In our modern day version of this, you all know who plays the part of Judas. The part of Matthias will be played by a Mr. John Heddon, who tonight committed to go on the trip with us.
A little background on Heddon:
John grew up in La Mirada and went to Biola to play baseball with Rojas and Brian and me. There is a plethora of stories I could tell about our college career, but you’ll hear enough on the trip. We took a spring break road trip to Kettleman City one year, fought in bench-clearing brawls together, fought each other in the back of baseball vans and on waterlogged baseball fields, and once tried to hunt down a run-away felon with a loaded revolver under the seat in my car. He wasn’t with me when I was arrested for discharging a missile from a moving vehicle, but if I’d known him in high school, I’m sure he would have been there that day.
He has a penchant for separating his right shoulder and he likes long walks on the beach at sunset.
He’ll fit right in and we’ll all have a great time.
Dave
"Lord, Who knowest the hearts of all men, show which one of these two Thou hast
chosen to take the place in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas
turned aside, to go to his own place." And they cast lots for them, and the lot
fell on Matthias; and he was enrolled with the eleven apostles." (Acts 1:12-26
RSV)
In our modern day version of this, you all know who plays the part of Judas. The part of Matthias will be played by a Mr. John Heddon, who tonight committed to go on the trip with us.
A little background on Heddon:
John grew up in La Mirada and went to Biola to play baseball with Rojas and Brian and me. There is a plethora of stories I could tell about our college career, but you’ll hear enough on the trip. We took a spring break road trip to Kettleman City one year, fought in bench-clearing brawls together, fought each other in the back of baseball vans and on waterlogged baseball fields, and once tried to hunt down a run-away felon with a loaded revolver under the seat in my car. He wasn’t with me when I was arrested for discharging a missile from a moving vehicle, but if I’d known him in high school, I’m sure he would have been there that day.
He has a penchant for separating his right shoulder and he likes long walks on the beach at sunset.
He’ll fit right in and we’ll all have a great time.
Dave
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